Comrade Hillary Tackles Obscene Profit

Ever the opportunistic populist, Comrade Hillary Rodham Clinton is seeking to make class warfare the hallmark of her 2008 presidential campaign.

Speaking before a room filled with hypnotized Democrats, Her Ladyship declared that she wants government to take excessive oil profits and "put them into a strategic energy fund."

There she goes again! Dragging out the old "obscene profits" ploy used by Democrats since the beginning of time to rally the poor and middle classes against the unabashedly successful.

However, in her haste to label the oil industry as un-American, Hillary appears to have overlooked a few treasure coves. In the interest of helping the senator get to the bottom of obscene once and for all, the following letter was FAXED to her office:

February 2, 2007

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Washington, D.C.

Dear Senator Clinton:

Congratulations on your recent remarks concerning the obscene profits enjoyed by the "big oil" cabals of America. How utterly clever and decent of you to expose greedy corporate executives who actually believe that business exists solely to earn profits.

How did America diminish so tragically, Hillary? Why have moguls at Exxon, Shell, et al. lost sight of the real objective of private enterprise: Namely, to provide jobs for the unwashed and pay obscene federal taxes?

While you deserve non-stop kudos for taking on big oil, obscenity seems to have trickled into other segments of our society.

Please consider these scoundrels who are giving excessive profitability a bad name:

Oprah Winfrey is reportedly a billionaire, although her contributions to America are dubious, at best. With her mind-boggling prattle about diets and blah, blah, blah, Winfrey is surely responsible for "dumbing down" more housewives and welfare queens than any other individual or corporation in the United States.

To the best of my knowledge, Oprah Winfrey produces no product that is used to heat homes, or to fuel vehicles that Americans rely on for transportation to and from their jobs, schools, and to seek medical care.

Why are Oprah's billions less obscene than those of Exxon?

George Soros is another name that immediately comes to mind whenever obscene and profit are used in tandem. As with Oprah, Soros is not a vital cog in the energy supply that hundreds of millions of Americans rely on.

Of course, Soros is a huge contributor to liberal causes and Democrat politicians, but that would not matter to a noble soul who is on a non-partisan mission to save the republic. Right?

Katie Couric of CBS News has a nice smile, for which she is reportedly paid $20 million a year. To plenty of Americans, that is obscene, Hillary!

Why is Couric's profiteering less offensive than that of Shell Oil?

Barry Bonds is a household name to sports fans all over the world. Bonds may end his career with more home runs to his credit than any player in the history of baseball. Bonds will be 44 years old in July, and suffers from a damaged knee and other aliments common to a man of 44.

Still, in spite of the fact that he can barely walk, Barry Bonds is paid $20 million a year for hitting a baseball!

Is there anything in the world more obscene than a 44-year old man with gimpy knees earning $20 million a year for smacking a baseball?

Does the name Ted Kennedy ring a bell? The senator from Massachusetts is "loaded"--and is exceedingly wealthy to boot In the odd moment when Teddy is sober, he should be sought out, as a benefactor for America's urgently needed energy fund.

And let us not forget a terrific source of undeserved wealth--Hollywood! You know the glamorous airheads who make movies that are mostly unfit to watch, and who are paid millions and millions of dollars for doing so!

Forget the oil barons. Hollywood stars should be at the very top of your "seize" list, Hillary. Or have you not heard that Hollywood, once your greatest constituency, has gone bonkers over Barack Obama?

There are other individuals and institutions that make a mockery of the American Dream with obscene profits.

Pay particular attention to those who contribute nothing to homeland security, the nation's energy supply, or national defense. These are the really "obscene."

Lastly, if you find your "taking" efforts coming up short, you might wish to consider the checking accounts shared by you and Bill. If push comes to shove, you could always write a check to the United States treasury yourself.

By so doing, you would prove your commitment to solving America's energy crisis--besides relieving some of the guilt over obscene profits that must constantly haunt you and Bill.

Sincerely,

John Lillpop

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!