Welcome to the Two-Party Presidential Primary Debate.
I'm your moderator, Katie Couric. By JOHN PODHORETZ
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- You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
- You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
- You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.
- You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
- You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
- You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
- You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
- You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
- You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.
- You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
- You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.
- You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
- You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
- You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
- You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
- You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
- You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
- You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.
Oops, can't do that either.
Dallas Air Traffic Control
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land Eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R
Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land Westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead, Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
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